T.V.O.D.

By Jim Boy O. Campiche

      Daisy sat staring at the television screen. She was watching her favorite soap opera, Tinkertown Traumas. On T.V., Dr. Dodge invited Mrs. Marble, a rich spinster, into his private office to break some bad news, but before he had the opportunity to warn his patient that an incurable malady was rapidly reducing her red blood cell count, she interrupted him to confess that he was actually her illegitimate son, and now the doctor did not know what to say.

      At which point the program paused for a commercial. The advertisement concerned two housewives true feelings toward the issue of dry hands. Daisy watched intently and when, after thirty seconds, the drama was resolved, she smiled like the Mona Lisa...

      When Daisy's husband got home that night, the t.v. was still turned on. A beaming game show host was keeping Walter's wife company in the kitchen. Daisy stirred a pot of spaghetti sauce lazily, with most of her attention focused on the game show.

      Walter walked right up to her and said, "Honey, what did you do to my shirt ? It smells just like a spring day!"

      Daisy did not take her husband's salutation seriously. She was accustomed to being kidded about her constant monitoring of the t.v. set. Little did she know that, at that very moment, forces were conspiring to alter her viewing habits drastically, and irrevocably.

      During dinner, Walter's conversation consisted entirely of testimonials: "Would you pass those fluffy, fresh Hobb's buns?" he asked. "I can't believe that we are eating canned corn - it tastes just like fresh picked! Yum! Can I have a fourth cup of Fresh-As-Perked Coffee, please? This can't be margarine - it's better than butter!" he insisted, vehemently.

      Although Daisy wondered what in the world had come over her husband, she did not say anything. She had conditioned herself to sit through commercials silently.

      After doing the dishes together, Daisy settled down to view a few prime time programs. Walter retired early, and was sound asleep by the time she went to bed.

      Daisy got into bed, and closed her tired eyes. A moment later, her eyes snapped open with surprise. Walter was whistling in his sleep. Not only that, the tune consisted of a medley of situation comedy theme songs!

      The next day was stranger still. At the grocery store, a man with a microphone asked her, "Pardon me, madam, but do you buy Nutsy bars for the chocolate or the almonds?" She overheard two shoppers comparing the softness of competing brands of toilet tissue. Daisy definitely did not know what to think when she called on her next-door neighbor, who was dancing around the kitchen, singing about a bottle of dishwashing liquid:

      "Mays' Cleanser is the best,

      Makes more suds than all the rest;

      So buy yourself some Mays' today,

      And watch it wash the worse away!"

      When Walter went home that evening Daisy seemed so upset and distracted that he decided to take her out to eat. They went to the finest restaurant in town. While they were waiting for their dinner Walter said, "Honey, what is the matter? You do not seem like yourself lately."

      Daisy looked down at her hands, which were shaking visibly.

      Just then, their waiter stepped up, smiling widely, and exclaimed, "Perhaps your problem is tired blood! Try a Peps-U-Up!"

      He lowered his tray to reveal a bottle of vitamin capsules. But Daisy's problem was not a vitamin deficiency. What was really bothering her was the music drifting from the piano lounge. The pianist was playing commercial jingles.

      When Walter and his wife returned home, Daisy went straight to bed, without watching any television. Walter assumed that she was just plain tired, but he was careless in his assumption. Daisy was really off her rocker.

      Shortly after ten o'clock the next morning, Daisy reached her breaking point. She was standing in the middle of a long line at the First National Bank, waiting for the next available teller, when a man standing behind her remarked, "You know, I don't believe in my toothpaste!"

      And just like that, all action in the bank ceased. One of the tellers leaned out of her window to address the man directly. As she spoke, her teeth gleamed with an unnatural brightness.

      "Sir," the smiling bank teller called, "your teeth could be whiter and brighter with Dentu-Dazzle!"

      As if on cue, all of the customers in line drew back, as a dozen dancers, costumed in gigantic toothpaste tubes with only their long legs showing, clattered across the marble floors in tap dancing shoes. As a hidden orchestra started to play, the dancing toothpaste tubes circled around Daisy, singing:

      Dentu-Dazzle is the one

      That makes smiling so much fun!

      Your teeth will be whiter,

      Your smile will be brighter;

      Your life will improve

      With one squeeze from our tube!

      So dazzle your spouse

      And everyone in your house;

      Dazzle your boss, the neighbors,

      Even dazzle a mouse -

      With Dentu-Dazzle!

      Daisy fled the building in horror. For hours she roamed the city sidewalks, her mind in a state of terrible turmoil. There seemed no escaping the strains of television jingles she heard everywhere. Finally she found herself standing outside a pawn shop in a poor part of town. Without really knowing why, Daisy went inside and purchased a pistol.

      Ironically, when Daisy burst in on her husband, he was seated before the t.v. set, watching a rerun of The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

      With trembling hands, she pointed the gun in Walter's direction. Her husband dropped to his knees, and began begging for forgiveness.

      "Don't shoot me!" he pleaded. "I confess! I set the whole thing up! I hired actors and musicians to follow you everywhere. It cost a fortune, but I wanted you to stop watching so much television! I even got the neighbors to help!"

      Daisy set her jaw grimly. She aimed carefully down the barrel of the gun and squeezed the trigger.

      Two loud explosions shook the house. Walter opened his eyes with surprise. Daisy shot the t.v. set!